Just Fucking Complaints! 4 Stages of Adult Development: Where Are You? It's a mysterious package, delivered by subtle sensory clues. Her health has declined over the last 5-6 years and I am it! Nothing is mine & I must do everything. my parents made sure I had no love interest so that I could stay this Familys Golden Cage doing all I have to do so that they can live while I am dying . It was cold and callous! Im bit sure how much more I can take, its getting me down the constant abuse and its only getting worse. Im pressing the point that itd be better to institute a more organized, full time caregiver set-up. Im sad. And she does nothing. My brothers have had her for visits bless them! In both their presence and absence, a mothers behaviors shape a daughters development. Were sorry this is so difficult. Food is to Saltly !, Why cant I have 6 pieces of bacon at breakfast? It's for "my own good" she says, because she "can't trust him yet" (and probably never will) and it's her money, so her rules. My daughter told me last night I was a burden; a pain in the ass. Shes taken care of me since I was 8 months. You miss out on fun or interesting or important things to do menial work, have repetitive conversations, deal with supervising people, anticipate needs that the patient cant articulate, share (or not share) the burden with siblings or other family members. I finally got onto the property ladder and of course my mother moved with me. Also, depending upon the persons diagnosis (for example, some dementias), they may be undergoing a significant personality transformation or loss of memory that is also scary, confusing, and fear-inducing. What good is it to be healthy and live a long life if you get dementia and cant take care of yourself? She use to cook, but for last 20 years, I am eating crap. The kind of shame that wakes me at three in the morning to beat me up. Forgiveness is not something you do for your mother (or whoever you find yourself resenting); it is for you yourself, to free yourself from holding on to anger & resentment. I have had murderous thoughts, I have had thoughts of self destruction just to get myself out of this situation I find myself in. I bear the brunt of most of the caregiving for my 83-year-old legally blind, narcissistic mother who has borderline personality disorder. So many posts resonate with me. No maids make it past 6 months working for her because she is needy as heck. I hame no life, she wants me as an extention of her. STROKING THEIR HAIR, GIVING THEM APPLE SAUCE!, SINGING TO THEM! It is a choice. THERE IS ELDER ABUSE..but there is also ELDERS WHO ABUSE . My expressions are similar to most others. Her church friends call her but they dont want to spend time with her. I feel like I raised my mother and I missed out on a normal childhood. Being a Parent does NOT make you a perfect human being. Glad to know Im not alone. I feel like I am dragging two large boulders around all the time (Mom and Dad). If so, why cant I let go? Ive spent the last 15 years of my life caring for Senior Citizens and People with Memory Issues and Society doesnt give a A few first steps she recommends: Begin with caregiving at home first. I hate her, but love her. Did you disapprove of your daughter's life choices? Her cancer has only made it worse, she takes everything out on me, blaming me for her cancer, stating in the past that she hopes I suffer. However guilty and selfish we only get one life and why should I let my mother suffocate and diminish mine. I spend 2 weeks caring for my mom and give her caregivers time off. Funk me! Im tired. Thank you alltoday was one of those days with my mother. My mom is oxygen dependent too. I dont see my parents or sisters as I dont dare let them see how I look or how bad my home looks.. That never happens with the unloving mother, who justifies her behavior at every turn or, if she gaslights, denies it ever happened. (I know that some of her ailments are obviously very real.) My parents Never Think What My daughter is doing for Us, No One will Do for Her dont people say that we should take care of ourselves first before caring for others, isnt there a saying ALL LIVES MATTER ..They know exactly what they have done by not asking others to help, by not helping themselves when they could, they knew what they were doing to pick me as the family free labourer , caregiver ( they hate the latter word). She blamed us for everything. We think talking about these issues early on with your children is a good start. My grandparents and grandparents before them lived in the non-Internet age with less social support. My mum is 75, has terminal breast cancer and jumps from emotional days regulation outbursts to another. Its as though it is expected and help is just assumed without ever asking for permission. Repeat until you feel better.. I dont have time to get to her home during the week. The joke was on her though cause I wouldnt cook nuffin else and she either ate that or at nuffin. Why is this an expectancy? Is the yogurt in my refrigerator long past its use by date?. There were no hugs in my dysfunctional family. I visit her downstairs about 3 or 4 times a day but have gotten to the point that I can only stay for a maximum of 10 minutes, because I cannot listen to the complaints for much longer than that. I ve watched her turning into a relatively useless lump, that expects me to carry one supporting her. Worse she thinks nothings wrong with her. Its the sensible thing. She wonders why everyone has stopped calling her and visiting her. Thank you for being brave enough to do so. I will admit Im a bad daughter. But try to take a deep breath and remember that your teen is striving to establish their own identity. She doesnt get this, and blithely calls at the last minute for help getting to long-standing appointments. The day she dies will be the greatest day of my life. The issue of familial estrangement, once kept off the cultural radar, is now out in plain sight. Too peaceful and too stable, at the cost of ones sanity. Just because you put good in the title doesnt mean you are. 1. Granted I know I will never live up to her expectations. I cant get my own housework and yardwork done in a constant worry and guilt of killing me I dont enjoy any time with my friends anymore Im depressed all I wanna do is stay in bed. Shes done some awful shit through out her life and if shes ever helped you she throws it in you face whenever possible. They have turned out to be loving and caring. But I didnt work for my self. She needs more care than she can afford and we are all able to help but not always willing. No, she said. But shes very impulse driven and always has been. I sure understand now because my body is failing, and Im all alone. Zarit's advice to the adult child: "Do . Phillip Hodson: Those who don't encourage their sons and daughters to be independent are guilty of psychological abuse My father (92) knows his life is at its end and he may be ready, but each emergency intervention takes a toll on him and on the rest of us. as a martyr mother maneuver (grew up with that). I was able to forgive her after we had several awkward conversations later in life. Is she letting me go? My mom did not help when her mother was going through this stage because she was too busy chasing her career on the other side of the state while her younger sister did all the heavy lifting with my grandmother. Which is not an issue. Think having $1500 in the bank and needing $1000 of it to cover bills, but spending $1100. Thank you, thank you, thank you for this article. Then, my almost senior in HS suffered a bout of depression and we have now arrived at a really good place. You will pay your karma however it happens. I have asked her many times to come over for BBQ or dinner and even take her to a show or something but always no. Mother has fractured coxic from recent fall, ongoing KRF, RA, hiatus hernia minor operative treatment as shes not up to major op ever. Youre being hypocritical by taking care of someone and feeling so horrible and talking to other people like you do. All because I said no. She's done this quite often, and as a teenager it broke me down a few times and I wound up sobbing for forgiveness. 2. You werent lying that time. Like with this article. !NO THANK YOU FOR THE FAMILY ONLY THIS HEY CAN WE DUMP MOMS OR DAD FURNITURE HERE! Because in your mind youre already abandoned your parent by saying they drive you nuts.. 0. Shes not an awful person to be around, she is pretty sweet in her dementia, but the demands and sacrifice are without relief. My son and daughter-in-law have made me very self-conscious about my memory, Elinor told me. The Nature of Language: Mishearing and Miscommunication, Dance Is a Powerful Tool for Emotional and Physical Health, You Dont Have to Follow the Same Routines Forever, Why Families Fight During Wedding Planning, 3 Pop-Culture Relationship Lessons to Live By, 3 Simple Ways to Improve Any Relationship, Why Some Men Withdraw When Women Get Emotional, 2 Tips Before "Soft-Launching" Your Romance on Social Media, 6 Reasons Someone Could Love More Than One Person at the Same Time, 6 Ways That a Rough Childhood Can Affect Adult Relationships. What goes around comes around! Keep expectations and goals realistic. God I feel better bitching! . You never walked again. Everyone steals from her and everyone is out to get her. Cultural tropes influence how we assess and label both good behaviors and abusive ones. Then 2.5 years ago she was diagnosed so we moved her in with us while she had chemo and I have cooked cleaned and shopped for her ever since. Has she talked to them about her feelings? I feel imprisoned. The freedom to let go of the guilt!! While I love my mother, there are times when I have to face the grim fact that I dont enjoy her company. I am an only child in my late 50s. I cant say how comforting it has been to read these comments and the blog. I knew a woman very well whose mother had placed herself in a long-term care facility well before she needed it. Which only compounds the anger further. Like several of the experiences here, I have, by sheer default, ended up as a caregiver for my mother. AND MOST IMPORTANT WHEN I FIND OUT THAT theyre ACTIVELY PASSING I SIT IN THEIR ROOM UNTIL THE END COMFORTING! I resent having to take on that role because my mother was weak. Although like tonight when my anger erupts and I tackle the more than sticky subject of why she does nothing apart from watch tv and contributes zero to the daily tasks she replies I never asked you to do anything and totally refuses to see my frustration or sadness. Two years ago my 74 year old mother was very ill and diagnosed with a blood disorder, so there are many days where shes exhausted. My siblings want to act like I do nothing, same as my parents, for they will fear that they will have to pay me the way they pay others. I dont hate them for that, it is Up to God to make others pay their dues. Its time to take euthanasia seriously! That would be quite wonderful. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. She also habitually just puts her oxygen on her chin, head, around her neck. I still work full time and luckily can work remotely. I just cant say right now. Either feeling guilty or just getting close because of the position she has groomed me for. Ive gained some invaluable insights from the readers comments as well as from the main article & its just what I need at this point in time currently at a critical stage with my 82yr old abusive, mentally ill, hoarder Aunty Im the only person left in the family who will speak to her, noone else will have anything to do with her so Im burdened with it all. My mother is, fortunately for you, not your mother. Its too time consuming. They might politely ask some questions, but that'll be the extent of it. Theyre sad and frightened to die because they know they wasted their lives. Have 4 brothers who do nothing for her. Life is hard duh, but we cant deal with that and go on and enjoy the happy moments and pleasures that we can experience . I also feel guilty because I envy my friends and family whose mothers are already dead. Shes 92, and bravely facing her twilight, a widow just doing her best to get by in the familiar comfort of her home of 40 years. Im not sure how to respond to my daughters resentments but having read this I have a better idea about myself and her. Rant over. Knowing for sure when the nightmare will be over would help me go through it. | Im frustrated and tired of feeling unworthy and selfish when I know Im deserving and doing my best. She would just tell us how she didnt want to be a mother and tell us we didnt want her to be happy. I also have a summer holiday rental business plus a very big garden to take care of. While they indicated we shouldve been willing to modify our home to allow them to move in, we were not going to allow dirty, smelly, lazy, ungrateful, combative, irresponsible parents to make ruin of our home and our lives. I took her out yesterday for a fun afternoon and she cried 5 times (lack of money, being lonely, nothing to do but bug me, she cant see my kids who live out of state, 81 & made too many bad choices in life 3 failed marriages). I am so delighted to know I am not alone and it is okay for me to have these feelings. Toxic relationships have three main stages: idealizing, devaluing, and discarding. My natural mother died when I was 4 and dad married my stepmother when I was 12, we never got on, she emotionally, mentally and physically abused me, treated me differently from my 2 brothers and also turned my brothers and dad against me, even my Nan said she used me as her slave, after an eating disorder and suicide attempt I left home at 18 and finally felt free. these type of elders dont want to go to a home , they dont want to spend their own money, they also know what will happen in a home, because they can not Abuse a Nurse the way Elders are Allowed to Abuse their Own Blood. Oh, did I leave out sadness? Certainly there are situations where an adult childs intervention in the ailing parents life is clearly needed, but what if this isnt one of those times? 6. My father seems to go on and on with demanding care needs and no help from siblings. And then she'll have nobody, because she had successfully pushed away many people with her meanness. I guess I did. I could never have someone help me to the point that they have no more dreams left. I find myself wondering what the next few years will bring. It helps me realize that I am not alone. If you feel guilty that is your problem. Im wore out, I lost my husband of 19 years 3 years ago, my step mom moved in with me, every time I talk about him she tell me to stop thinking about him and get on with my life, she tells me she forgot about my dad after he passed, I flat out told her there was a big difference between her and me, I have a big caring heart where hers is cold and selfish. She likes to ask for the hardest foods to cook like fried chicken, turkey dinners and fried fish all i found out she hated but would ask me to cook it for her cause she knew it was hard to cook and time consuming. She can live 10/20 years more. But I will still love her. You are not responsible for your mother. At my best I keep my mouth shut and let her rant and rant and rant and dont try to persuade her that life is not the shit hole she perceives it to be. The last 3 years, including covid have been hell and finally I named the elephant in the living room that we have been walking around! Are you upset that your daughter is close with her mother-in-law? Im only 33, but definitely nowhere near living the life I had planned as my moms decisions in life have impacted me negatively so much so she now lives with me, and I have to care for her at least economically. Do the Relationship Secrets That You Keep Ever Get to You? now I have her groceries delivered but still hear constant complaints about the people who buy and deliver the groceries for her. Have some empathy, the saying that you cant understand somebody until you have walked a mile in their shoesis very true. Many complications and outrageous experiences with a mother who also was mentally ill but denied it fervently. Especially for women. Like many here, I hate being around my 82 year old mom. Having a heartfelt talk with her never works, because she interrupts and yells and fixates on how I'm an ungrateful, deceitful leech who'll abandon her at the drop of a hat. And how capable is the father of making his own decisions? I have been a sociable, love life kind of person all my days. So thank you for posting this. Thanks for this. If a parent still won't budge, Leonard suggests easing into it. You are helping others. she can still live a great life. What mother lets their 3 year old out of there sight for a second?!!! Pursuing my goals and love life and only doing things for mom that are out of love and not guilt. Im the only person who has stayed around long enough to care for her but its so unbelievabley horrible. I mean I know she feels shame and while i love her dearly i dont want to see her naked. God help me! They were better people for it my grandparents and great grandparents said. Complained to my son I wasnt speaking to her. Most unloved daughters blame themselves and their failings for the dysfunction in the relationship during childhood, adolescence, and even long into adulthood. And I accept that. I have learned to not be what she is. There should be organizations and information in place to guide people as to how to get plans in place. Everytime I say that I will drop her off to one of my siblings there is absolutely no pro-active response from them no one will say hey do that, you need a break too! I only get out to appointments and it takes me almost a week to get ready. Although it wont neccisarily fix anything it is good to know its not just me. Now, it all just makes me sick. Check the other answers to comments here where I placed a link to a great self-care guide. I have long stopped having any sort of holiday as my dads demands are constant. Give your mom the Scriptures that teach the doctrines of gender roles and especially those that emphasize the woman's place in the home like 1 Timothy 5:14 and Titus 2:4-5 . The article is spot on and appreciated. In the next breathe she says with what appears unattainable dismay how exceptionally kind, compassionate & intuitive I am with her & everyone. My Kids are stealing from me! Its like being backed into a corner. After all my mother regularly cared for her parents while her brother lived thousands of miles away and never bothered. Being kind and compassionate doesnt obligate you to a life of feeling manipulated by anyoneeven your parent. She cries and panics constantly. Ironically, on my fathers death bed, she said the same about him and how she wished she hadnt waited for him to change. I have a brother, bless, who is loving but never ever visits. At least I keep telling myself that. Those who are responsible for caregiving speak about their issues and share their resources. She calls me every 10 minutes for nothing in particular. My father passed when I was in my early 30s, so I attribute a lot of giving in to the lamentations of the Shes all I have left sentiment. Now I feel guilty and angry and sad and a whole host of things I cant describe. We put pets out their misery & its time to stop putting the worst species on Earth, on a pedestal! Maybe I am a slow learner, I dont now. She had 6 kids she neither had the sense nor the money to care for. She moved in after she separated from my father. Ive got a family of my own + my own parents are both aged & ill & they could use my help rather than this ungrateful Aunty who is not even a blood relative, just aunt by marriage. The bit about covert narcissism through the life stages sounds more like the engulfing type of narc mother as opposed to the ignoring type of narc mother. Daughters of emotionally unavailable mothers are more like the daughters of dismissive ones and share more experiences with them than they do with the offspring of combative ones, but they are emotionally even hungrier and more confused. Growing up I could never remember a time we shopped together or visited a salon she only chased the mighty dollar and her own happiness. My mom is only focused on me working more and more, and less from home, but not participating in eating lunch with my coworkers or anything cause that is a waste of money and she wants to rebuild the house her mother left her. If you feel angry, you feel angry and if you feel sad, you feel sad. I tried cutting her out several times but something would always happen and Id get a phone call saying your mother has had a car accident (minor), health incident etc and you have to do something. The title of this article is all wrong. Shes always been a crier. It is so refreshing. Every shirt I buy is a rebelion I regret. Any large hearted people out there have any ideas. I came through such horrible abuse but still managed to put my daughters first as it should be. My mom has been living with me for about five years. But this doesnt stop her being opinionated, moaning about the state of the country and swearing to herself about virtually everything. I see now its because she actually believes I was born to take care of her. It tells me that they think Im not competent. As a result, shes stopped telling them when she really does have a problem. It is important to be mindful of your behavior in friendships. Instead, they made no effort to care for themselves, becoming increasingly helpless. Yes, yes, yes! When I was grown, I moved away and although I visited her regularly out of a sense of duty, I never moved back. I also spoke with members of the helping professions: geriatricians, social workers, elder-law attorneys, administrators of assisted-living facilities, and just about anyone and everyone who I thought could shed light on the subject. Whoever this author is, I am grateful for her honest account and I wish I could have a cup of coffee and hear more. My fathers complaints have faded. I was afraid to ask for anything. Wow ahhhhhh this it spot on. No guilt. Dont you wish you had more daughters? The house is constantly a mess. What Does Authenticity Look Like in Romantic Relationships? I finally had my own family and I had counseling for years to become who I wanted to be. I havent had kids. Betty Davis said, Growing old aint for sissies!. Anger is often the cover emotion for sadness, she says. I asked the women about their own families, specifically about anything they might want to say to their own adult children. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. You become angry, depleted, and fearful about how you will lash out. Dont tell me you dont have time! Honor thy Mother and Father (even when they dont act in a manner worthy of honor). It took me a very long time to get where Im now, but at 69 I wait for the day shell no longer be around. My mother now lives in our basement. Now Im more sensitive to being criticized. Selfish children. Take care. Ive even started saving money so when the time comes, I can quit my job and travel (my passion in life which has been on hold for years). Parents are your burden unless you already moved out of town, so you arent bothered by them. Its working out great for me. It just builds higher walls. Beautifully painted AJ. Is that a source of tension? But what triggers that extra dollop of negative feeling? Oh and my brother is the one who is trusted with financial matters, not me. I have my own health issues and i literally feel like Im losing my mind. I made so many allowances for her and my childrens father that I let my own life with my children fall second. In truth, it is easier to blame yourself, since it lets you hang on to the hope that by changing yourself, you can get the relationship to be normal. Thats way easier and less painful than seeing the toxicity and truth of the connection head-on, alas. It is just too much to deal with. Im her entire life support and she is perfectly happy with it being that way. For a minute, I thought I wrote this! I have a sister who lives 3 miles a way and has only been to the house 2x in 25 yrs. The people causing me the anguish are never the ones who seek therapy. I am working on forgiving her, not for her but for me. My mother is worse. That was just the beginning, I have since been left to bat on with itthey (and rightly so) have their own lives to live and theyre not being put out of theyre way for anyone! No doubt its because Ive since become an aging parent that I find myself looking at the matter of parent care from a different perspective. I was praying as just arrived to be with my mother and have such feelings of hatred. My mom never worked. So there I was back in the UK living in the rental with my mother. But his response will be to go out and shovel away Its a way of holding on to a life that seems to be slipping back., Whether that means hes independent or intransigent depends on whos making the call. Total hardcore ignore. Thank you all for your honesty we are never alone in life!!! My mother and I argued last night about her not being honest with me about her health. I visit regularly and pay caregivers (much, much more than I can afford) but Id rather do without than sacrifice my sanity. thank you for posting this. It wore me down.. See, Ive always been aware that I have a unique mother situation. I pray every day for this to end. But not live-ins.. DAMN! I dont like my parents but I love them for giving me a stable peaceful home. Thanks Katie: we felt this was an important topic. They had always been there for me, no matter what. Life is too short to bring such misery to others! One of the worst things now is her constant crying. She throws me out about once every few months tells me to leave get out and i remind her if i did she would end up in a nursing home for sure. This article upset me greatly! I have a 23 years son of my own living away and working hard. Say no. This is why I just want to through my hands up and walk away. Caregiving is not for the faint of heart, my grama used to say that about getting old. You will soon find an abundance of similar feelings., Seek out regular support Friends first, then therapy, and perhaps some sort of online support group (because when youre busy caregiving, you dont have a lot of time to get out to a meeting)., Set boundaries Id already set my own Mom boundaries: roughly two half-days a week for FaceTime, and the inevitable emails, phone calls, and administrative work on top of that. I am in therapy and trying to find a place of serenity amidst this. Another case in point: My friend Julia and I recently met at a local museum. Everything about her bothers me. As my husband was emotionally unavailable to me. Hoping it gets better. Both pretty much suck! Finally, Leah took the floor. I pray daily for the strength to be the best person I can be until that blessed salvation arrives. Learn to cope, and if you are unable to handle it, do whats right for HER, not you or anybody else. I cannot stand it and literally dream of running away. Alone. She has worked hard all her life (to include retiring not once, not twice, but thrice) and also has Social Security coming in. Yes: imagine hearing the person in the next cube twittering over the phone, Carol? Im sorry but oh so grateful to know Im not alone in my feelings towards my mother. Whether youre experiencing mild annoyance or gigantic resentment, current back-burnering or past sadness in disguise, here are Dr. Gretchens steps for moving yourself forward: Start a conversation in public No shame in acknowledging the feelings.
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